South Africa, jewel of the African nation. But what do we know about it?

I’m sure that many people view it as a third world place full of Racist White people who ride African slaves like horses…

That’s Just Capetown….

The rest of South Africa is quite normal, and so, being the kind and considerate fellow I am, I have comprised a small guide for all you budding travelers out there….

No one can accuse South Africa of being racist about its cultural diversity ( i love the fact that they broke up Blacks and Coloreds...)….

Introduction:

Welcome to South Africa, or ‘Sarf Efrika’ as the natives call it. Home of apartheids, jungle bunnies and Nelson Mandela, South Africa is a very diverse place.

Just south of Africa and just north west of Australia, South Africa is situauted at the ars…uh….Tail end of the African nation.

Why Visit South Africa, well apart from the cheap labour, you can also eat our famous dish “Fried Springbok”, and also watch our great Rugby team, the Springboks. Or you could just go to our famous national parks and view our majestic springboks. We’re Springbok mad!!!

Best Places to visit….

Go to the Free State. Namely, it’s capital, Bloemfontein. Bloemfontein is the hippest part of South Africa, from it’s well-established institutional, educational and administrative infrastructure right to the Supreme Court of Appeal, Bloemfontein has everything a young traveler would want.

While your there you could go on the Maluti Route, which follows the scenic Highlands of the Free State and over the border (you will need a passport or you will be shot by Border Security and promptly taken to the Free Hospital. (Which, unlike the name suggests is highly expensive).

Another Highlight is ofcourse the N6 route, which is your exit out of The Free State. What more could you want??

Believe it or not, this is actually the President of South Africa Thabo Mbeki

Worst Places to visit….

Avoid the Makapansgat Valley, it may sound interesting, after all it was here that Professor Raymond Dart announced the discovery of the first ape-man back in 1925. One look at the population of the valley, and you can see that they obviously haven’t evolved much since those ape-men days. To simply say they are the stupidest ugliest people on the planet is an understatement. If you want to hold on to your money, and your lunch, avoid like the plague.

Best times to visit

Summer. South Africa is known for having relatively hot summers ad dry winters. Its quite a shit climate really, no wonder why everyone there are always fighting, its probably down to heat stroke.

Best places to go for food

If fried Springbok, and Lamb testacles aren’t your bag, then try South Africa’s answer to Mcdonalds, Antelope Burgers.

Pay no attention to the name, they don’t actually have antelope meat there. No its far to expensive, instead the import their meat from Indonsesia. (A little bit of Meow Meow, Woof Woof, if you know what I mean)….. Most of the burgers on offer are actually quite nice, but steer clear of “The Malalabok Special” unless you enjoy eating rhinoceros buttocks deep fried in old chip fat.

Things to do…

Arts and Crafts, Horse back rides, Rhino museums (minus rear ends) and the legendary domba dance, are all activities which you should avoid, as they are pants wettingly boring. Best thing to do is, spend a day in your hotel perfecting your “Sarf Efrican accent” and then go out and yell obsenities at random members of the public.

Crime

Crime is Huge in South Africa, you cant put your kid down for five minutes without it getting stolen, let alone your wallet. The South African Tourst board advises visitors to place all small valubles in a plastic bag, and place inside your rectum to safeguard against property loss. This may or may not have indirectly affected tourism numbers in South Africa, so the board is coming up with a revised warning. Updates will follow as soon as possible.

Also if you are African American, Aboriginal or even look the slightest bit dark, avoid the rural regions of South Africa. Apparently the news of the apartheid hasn’t yet reached there yet….

Key Terms

BLICK – Any one who is “Coloured”, this being Africna American, Indian, aboriginal, muslim, etc

SNOEK LADY – A lady who sells snoek

SNOEK- Is a fish, why don’t they call it fish, coz there south African…

HONK – Not the sound of horn, it means a bad smell…

ROBOT – You reckon it would be “one of those magical mechanical men” but no, it’s the traffic lights……god there stupid..

How these terms help.

Well they don’t, not unless you are looking to eat some really bad smelling, black fish and you are telling the lady who sells it to come to your house which is near the traffic lights.

How to get there

South Africa offers the worlds first trans- sea Hover Craft. All you need is a small fare of $50 rand, and a case of Kryptonite to fuel it, you idiots……By a Boat or a plane, how do you think you get there….

Music

Justin Timberlake is bi in South Africa….sorry that should read Big……I’m not trying to say anything about Timberlake…..noooo….

I’d suggest you take an Ipod.

Deputy President Jacob Zuma and Justin Timberlake belt out the South African National Anthem.

Films

Justin Timberlake stars in the new Big Budget South African version of Brokeback mountain called Brokeblack Valley….

I’d Suggest you take a Video Ipod.

Televsion

Thankfully Justin Timberlake is yet to make the move to the small screen. Here you can watch south African versions of all your favourite shows including Good Times, the Nanny and The apprentice (Where all the contestants are black, and the catchphrase is “Your blick…….your fired you dirt jungle bunny!!!)

On second thoughts……

Don’t go visit South Africa, come to Australia instead. We’re only half as racist as South Africa…..

(Bingo Bango Bongo would like to remind people that this guide should not be taken literally, and if done so could result in a lengthy prison sentence….for me…. Also, we like to remind you that yelling obscenities at random members of the public may incur life threatening injuries…)